I am missing my father immensely this Holiday…
This will be the first christmas without him, but I hadnt spent a Christmas with him in the past four years when I could have. Then why do I feel so constantly on the verge of tears now? I am uncertain.
It wasnt suppose to be like this. He had cancer for five years, and he was suffering, so I was okay with him dying. I made peace. I even thought I would be relieved when he passed on, because he would be free from pain, and he would still be in my life as this all wise and ethereal, formless being.
But he wasnt supposed to be GONE. Blank slate. Little scraps of memories loosely held together.
Five years of opportunity to ask the questions, to tell the stories, to say the things that matter and still…
Still, everyday at least once I find myself with a question or a story or… and only silence in response. Most often what I find I want to say is: “I’m sorry” and I want him to hear me.
It’s not just him that is gone but the part of “me” that was his daughter is lost.